Well SHIT

I am at the airport. But about 20 things went wrong. I'm not sure if its for the better or not but here I fucking am. I apologize for my language in advance but this is getting ridiculous.

The morning went by simply enough. I sneaked out my bag and put it in the trunk of my car, waiting for my friend to pick me up. At that point, in theory, I would switch quickly from my trunk to hers and we'd be on our way, and that's it.

I take the suitcase from my car, and am almost in D's. I'm just about to close the trunk but the suitcase doesn't fit all the way and I need to adjust to be able to close it, and as I'm doing it, the garage door opens and my dad runs out. He wants to know what I'm doing. I try to play it off; D needs the suitcase and so I'm lending it to her. Even as I speak I know he won't buy it. He's not stupid. The whole thing falls apart. We have an entire scene right there in the middle of the street. D is in the car and my father sits at the edge of her trunk, so that it's impossible to close it. He's shaking and panting and falling apart. How could I do this to them? he asks. After 22 years of raising me and being with me, this is how I repay them? I'm going to destroy the family? On and on. He asks me where I'm going and what I'm doing. I tell a half-truth. I have a job out of state. The more I tell him, the more I see him fall apart.

This is what I was dreading. My father, I can deal with him angry and aggressive. I know how to approach him this way. What I can't do is deal with my father weak and vulnerable and crying. This is what was facing me. How could I leave without saying goodbye? Weren't we a good family? Didn't we give you everything you wanted? On and on. He kept begging me to stay an extra day, so we could "properly" tell people a real story; so they wouldn't have to face the shame of having to explain that their daughter just left. It still fell back to that.

I stood up for myself. I could have stayed an extra day, like he wanted, but that would have blown my own cover and I didn't want to. And so I left. I told him no. He asked why, and I said that it was because I didn't want to. I made a choice. It was not something he agreed with, but I made my choice. And for that, I am proud of myself. I feel guilty for lying some more and guilty for hurting him, but I stood up for myself against him for the first time. And for something huge. I accomplished something today. And I think he respects me now.

He made me sign the pink slip to my car haha. That was fantastic. He woke up all my siblings and made me say goodbye. He kept trying to get me to stay longer so I could say a proper goodbye to my mother as well. He kept asking, over and over, for me to just delay the flight for one day. But that's impossible. My interview is tomorrow. I can't wait another day. And so I didn't.

I've done it. I got to the airport. I went through security. I sat near my gate. And then--

The flight is delayed. By hours. If you have a connection, you're missing it for sure. I had to get on the shuttle to get to the other terminal with my luggage. So now I'm stuck with a red-eye flight. Sitting in front of the airline check-in, which won't open for another 3 hours. I set my things down and discovered blood all over my hand--I cut myself on something. My back hurts from all of my bags. My entire life is packed into two suitcases and two backpacks. My largest suitcase weighs 70 pounds and I was charged an obscene amount for it, which was luckily refunded thanks to this whole flight mess.

I am exhausted. Is this a bad sign or is this a good sign? My dad's reaction--amazing. I cannot believe how well he has taken this. He says the house is always open, and if I ever want to come back then I can come back, no questions asked. He offered me money about 4 times (didn't take it, but I wish I had it). He called me twice, left a voicemail once and I answered the second time--"Don't be too naive. Don't trust anyone. If you ever need anything, don't ever hesitate to ask. The house is your house and it's always open." And just now, a text with similar sentiments (but also a plea to come back).

I am not going to cut them off, at least not yet. I'll play it by ear. I'll talk to them when I feel like it. I'll text if I want to. I don't have to answer all their calls anymore. I don't have to do anything. I don't want to hurt them but this is what I wanted to avoid--the guilt and unnecessary pressure. Enough.

I do feel bad though and I keep crying. I'm getting amazing support--from my family, which I did not expect, but also from my friends, which I expected but is hitting me a lot harder than I thought it would. I am surrounded by good people.

They've given me a free meal voucher but I don't want to get up with all of my things and drag them around. It's so difficult to maneuver with all my bags. I have so much time to kill though.

I hope my family doesn't show up. They know what airport I'm at but they also think I'm on the flight now so who knows.

I am so exhausted. I should be on a plane right now.