bit of a recap

I suppose it's time for an update. I can't believe it's only been about three weeks. It feels like much longer.

I was offered a temporary data-entry position about 5 minutes away from the apartment. I work full-time during the week, and the job will go through to September. It's tedious, boring, and the permanent workers obviously don't want us (the temps, 4) there. I've never had an unpleasant work experience before, but the other temps are great and it pays well, so it's all good with me.

G is finally back and we're adjusting to our routine. The refrigerator was finally replaced about a week ago, Friday, and it's amazing how the smell immediately disappeared. We now have groceries and a fridge and a place that doesn't smell. The washing machine is also fixed, and we can do laundry. The carpet people came in and replaced the foam underneath, but they have yet to stretch the carpet fully out to the wall--there's about 2 inches of exposed floorboards under there but all in all it's an extremely minor problem. I'll call them Monday and remind them.

My dad has emailed and called, and my mom occasionally texts and calls me. They leave voicemails but I delete them right away. I just don't want to deal with it. They're being really nice but my dad is still working with the guilt and pressuring me to come home. I can't imagine being there again like I used to. It's still really strange for me to go out or do anything without having to give a huge heads-up to them. My sister randomly texts me, and that's the strangest thing, since she and I had a falling out on Christmas and didn't speak. I have a suspicion that my parents tell her to message me. I respond to some text messages but I don't answer calls. I still need time to adjust and figure out what I want to say to them. I feel bad when they call but I can't bring myself to answer just yet.

I can't believe how hard it is to find work. It seems like if you don't know someone, you won't get hired. I'm going to get in touch with the alumni chapter here and see if they can do something for me. I'm also thinking about getting my teaching certification. According to some people I've talked to, it's not hard to get after you have a degree, so I'm planning on doing some research and figuring that out. If anything, I can substitute teach--my substitute teachers always just played movies. I've applied to the county and the two universities in town; I constantly apply to things on craigslist; I'm thinking of seeing a staffing agency. Do you have any ideas for where else I could look? The job market is very discouraging.

The lack of diversity here is depressing. Coming from the Bay Area, I'm shocked at the lack of different people. This is a college town too, so I don't know what explains it. Maybe once school starts up, it will change. The food isn't as interesting either--I'm having a very hard time finding good Asian food. I'm going to try and be a little more healthy, because I sit at the desk all day working, and this isn't a path I want to go down. All of my coworkers are obese and are always drinking soda and eating at the desk, and I've found myself drinking sodas during the day now too. I've never had soda, it used to be once or twice a month if that, and now it's becoming a regular thing, so I want to be more careful. Maybe I'll walk the dog every night after work, just to get moving.

I did find a really interesting cafe that's on the way to work. It's really quirky and seems completely out of place here. The cafe tables outside are populated by old men who show up at opening, 6am, order coffee, and put out a label on the tables: "Reserved for murder's row." The guys behind the counter have earrings and tattoos and look and talk and act like the people in Davis. It gives me a bit of hope.

I don't know how to make friends outside of classes. I'm trying to meet people at work but they're all at least 10 years older than me. G's friends are nice but they're all guys, and it's making me see that I need female friends badly. I didn't think there would be such a difference but there really is.

Considering this is a college town, no one is ever outside. They don't have outdoor concerts or anything. There are very, very few sidewalks, which is something I find bizarre. It's summer but it's the same kind of heat I'm used to, but I don't want to stay cooped up in the AC all day. The culture here is frustrating and hard to adjust to. I'm happy with my decision, and honestly I can't imagine not having done it, but I don't like the location. Once G is done with school, hopefully we can move to a more urban place.

is this a sign?

I am at the apartment.

List: Things That Have Gone Wrong But Weren't Supposed To

1. The apartment being that disgusting. Clutter is one thing, the power being cut and the fridge going to hell is another. The smell is still there. I scrubbed for several hours earlier today with bleach and hot water, and put in a layer of baking soda.

2. Not getting the job. Yesterday alone I applied to 15 jobs.

3. I was unpacking and doing some laundry. The washer went through the cycle and...kept filling water. And kept filling, and filling, and filling. And I didn't really notice, I was in the bedroom figuring out closet space. When I came back out, I noticed something near the washer moving and I thought it was a bug or something. I took a step forward and my foot squished. It was a floating ball of dust.

I proceeded to panic. I knocked on the door across the hall but no one answered. I tried to turn the damn thing off but it wouldn't stop filling water. I unplugged it and it still kept filling. Finally I figured out how to turn off the water completely. I drove to the office and let them know, and she called the maintenance guy. He was in the next town over, about 10 minutes. He doesn't show up for another hour and a half.

G happens to have a huge bag full of sheets. I don't know why, but there were about 10 sets of sheets and pillow cases so I unfolded them all and tried to soak up as much of the water as I could. About a quarter of the carpet got wet. This guy comes in, surveys for about 10 minutes and tells me to get rid of all the sheets because he's going to use the wet-vac it right now.

It's been about 30 minutes now and he's not back.

This is not a good start. I'm doing my best not to get discouraged but it's hard. I don't have food in the fridge (I ordered a pizza), and now I don't have any carpet to walk on.

This is all because I found BEAUTIFUL sheets in that bag and so I threw them in the washer and wanted to use my new, yummy-smelling fabric softener on them. Gorgeous sheets. They were clean, they didn't need washing but I did it anyway. *sigh*

But since he's here I'm going to have him do something about the fridge.

He's still not back.

Jobs Jobs Jobs

I am feeling very discouraged. The job that was pretty much promised to me wasn't given to me. Apparently I don't have enough experience with contracts, which is fine, but I don't know why they couldn't tell me that 3 interviews ago.

In total I've applied to over 50 jobs now. I have an appointment with a temp agency next week. Maybe something will come of that.

I still feel like a guest in this house, even though they've been incredibly generous and welcoming. I know I shouldn't feel that way but it's obvious that I don't live here. All my things are still in my suitcases. I don't actually do anything. I do dishes when I see them, let the dogs out when they want to go out, and tag along on errands. I don't do anything for myself. I feel like a useless lump.

I miss my friends from CA but--I know this sounds awful--I don't miss my family. I have a bit of lingering guilt but that's fading. The only times I've heard from my family, it's been my mom to complain, and otherwise that's it. So that settles that. What I miss is the comfort of being in my own place, going through the fridge, not feeling like a bum in my PJs all day.

The humidity is still awful. It's hot, but it was hot in CA too. The difference is the humidity.

I'm avoiding my parents. They've called a couple of times. I texted an excuse about how my phone is having issues with calls or something.

I'm worried about talking to them. I will make a list of reasons.

1. I feel bad. I wanted to get away from the damn guilt but apparently it's impossible.
2. I'm still lying and they're obviously going to want details. I don't want to have to go through and give them fake details. And I don't want to waste time thinking them up. My mom wants pictures too.
3. I'm worried that calling them from my cell phone will show my location on their bill. That's what Verizon does. It'll give the closest cell tower or something. I'm going to call AT&T tomorrow and see if I can somehow get my privacy adjusted so that doesn't happen.
4. I'm avoiding my dad because I haven't heard from him at all from all of this and I know he's sad and upset.
5. I just want some goddamn space.

I have not heard a single thing from my sisters. Not one. What the hell is that? I mentioned this to my dad when I was leaving, that no one fucking talks to me, and he said that I do it to myself. Maybe so, maybe not, but I haven't heard a single thing from them and it just kinda makes me mad and reminds me why I did this all in the first place.

I can like these people, and love them even, without having to talk to them every day and live with them. Sometimes it's better from a distance. I never loved my family more than when I was living in DC. The second I got back, that all changed.

I'm tempted to write my dad an email. I really would much rather establish an email conversation instead of a phone conversation. I'm more eloquent in English anyway. The emails I prepared for when I left were rendered useless after the plan changed, so I'm thinking closure will be needed. I still feel guilty.

The days are slow, but I'm always surprised when they end. They're busy, but I'm still bored most of the time. It's strange. I'm still adjusting.

The guilt is oppressive. So is the humidity.