My two best friends, guilt and obligation, have returned

For the past couple days I've been feeling kinda guilty about this whole situation and how it's affected each person of my family, but this morning I was greeted with a lovely email that kind of eliminated that, but still made me feel like shit. As a result, with 12 days left until unemployment, I've called in and crawled back into bed.

My father the attorney sent me this long, rigid, contract-like email, numbered and bullet-ed about how wrong I am for doing this. When my mom contacts me--and we've been a little in touch lately--it's pretty much always, "Hi, how are you, I miss you, I want to hear how you're doing." It's nice and friendly and it encourages me to respond. Not this email. It was impersonal and just full of negative things and very clinical. I will attach some of my favorite parts.

1 – “Teens” run away because they either live in “abusive” homes or they are bad.

However,

2 – “Adult” family members will always argue & disagree on many issues but they do not walk away from their families and stop speaking with them. This is true in every culture, society and religion.

Your actions do not qualify under either (1) or (2) above.

The quotes piss me off. This is how he opened the email. What the fuck is that?? You're not writing a contract, you're not sending a business email, you're writing to your daughter who you apparently want to get in touch with again and this is how you open? Point two is a good point but he's so cold about it, shit. So, skipping a couple of stupid sentences not worth your time, he continues with this:

Let me tell you how I see things & I am sure you have enough brains to understand:

Well isn't it nice that he's sure I have enough brains to understand. I'm pretty sure he's translating this directly from an Arabic phrase he likes to use a lot, and quite a bit gets lost in translation, but his patronizing intent gets through perfectly in either language. He then goes on to list, in bullets and sub-bullets, all the points he has to address and why I shouldn't be so grateful that he's outlined my life and how I'm insane to not follow his path.

• Abuse: his point: I wasn't abused. Yeah, I know. So I should be grateful that I wasn't abused, which is true, but in my opinion, pointing out that I wasn't abused shouldn't really be a thing to point out in the first place.
  
• Marriage: I wasn't forced to get married. Again, not even a question in my mind, and that he has to point that out shows a huge cultural gap that I didn't realize was this big.
• Religion: I wasn't asked/forced to wear religious clothing. Super. Because obviously I'm a very observant, religious person so that's a consideration. Or hell, it's not like HE'S a religious person either. I don't know how religious he could be or how he could even ask me to wear "religious clothing" if he enjoys whiskey on the rocks fairly often.
  
• Money: I wasn't asked to pay for anything. Except that each time I went out with my sisters, to see a movie or eat somewhere or go shopping, I paid for it. I don't mind it but it's something both of my parents tend to forget. Or the fact that I paid for all of my own expenses. I lived in their house for free, yeah, but any time I left and bought something, it was from my own money. This is also something they forget. I'm not complaining about it because I would have felt terrible asking them for money each time I left the house, but I think it's a significant thing.
  
• Education: "If you remember, I suggested you save ALL your salary for a whole year and then go to a law school of your choice." Except that I've mentioned SEVERAL times that I don't want to go to law school. But hey who cares about that.
• Career: He's offered to pull some strings in the ME and get me a job there. Because I really want to go live there. And when I turned it down he got personally offended.
  

This is how he does things. I don't appreciate it. It doesn't make me any more eager to get in touch with them. If anything, it just pushes me away more, and now that I think about it, it makes me more angry and resentful than before. He hasn't changed. He hasn't even pretended. He still talks to me this way even after I've left. So screw it. I can't decide if I want to respond with a rebuttal or just leave it alone. I'll have to think about it.

But in the meantime this email has made me chain smoke a bunch of cigarettes too early in the morning. Because I wasn't getting more and more tempted to smoke cigarettes as it is, I got a lovely excuse to have too many too early. My smoking habits are making me dislike myself. The apartment smells like cigarette smoke and marijuana. I won't be passing any drug tests any time soon.

I never read horoscopes (really!) but they're automatically generated on the bottom of my home page and this is what it says for this week:

At the start of the week, I promised you that life with improve as the week unfolds. Hopefully you can already feel this. There was a nasty Mars/Saturn link which is now over. In the next 24 hours, Mars will link next to Jupiter, the planet of good fortune and good luck. As you can imagine, this brings us all the promise of some kind of heavenly boost. For you as a TAURUS, this is taking place in your 10th House of Career. It suggests that one of your professional dreams is about to get a much improved chance of coming true. Good luck!

I've been working this shit temp job for about 6ish weeks now and it just gets worse and worse. I've never had a work environment like this before. In the time I've been here, people still don't know my name. One of the guys working here yelled at us (temps) across the room yesterday, "Is one of y'all's name Valerie?" No. It's not. We've been CONSTANTLY doing their work for 6 weeks, even things we shouldn't be doing, like their own personal projects, and yet they still don't know our names. People literally walk up to us every day and hand us things to do. Learn my name dammit.

There are 3 of us temps and one is gone; she quit today. This woman could not mention Barack Obama without somehow mentioning the Nazis or Hitler in the same sentence. She apparently had TWO interviews yesterday and was offered a job today so off she goes. I've applied to hundreds of jobs and have nothing. Frankly, I don't get that.

There's some huge project happening here in the next couple of weeks and I've been volunteered to to help out on the 1st, working from 7:30am to 4pm. The woman coordinating the whole thing (let's call her Suzie) comes up to our floor today to hand us the schedules. It should have been me and the other girl, but since she quit today, Suzie had to find a replacement. Her reaction when she found out the other woman quit? "Boo! Good for her but boo!" She then walks up to me, hands me my schedule, and says, "I hope you don't get a job soon too!"

Thanks, bitch. Seriously? Who says that? And no, she wasn't joking. And as if that weren't bad enough, I had to make a run to her floor to talk to someone else and she saw me and assumed that I was there to talk to her--"No! Don't tell me you got a job!"

G's mom pulled some strings and talked to some friends and I have an interview for a receptionist position Monday morning. After all of this I'm losing hope. I want to be optimistic but I don't fucking know.

A part of me is happy that I'm not the only one in this sort of rut. Everyone I've talked to is either unemployed or working a shit job and unhappy. The transition is rough.

I hope I don't get stuck in a receptionist/admin assistant career path. What a waste.

There's another gun show next weekend and G's parents have been mumbling about promoting me from door-sitter to cashier, which means I'll get to interact with every crazy who walks through the door. That should provide for some interesting experiences.

I am seriously considering going to grad school and somehow turning my gun show observations into some sort of dissertation. I'm not sure what I'll write about the gun show people just yet, but I feel like it could be a unique paper. Either way I need to go to school again because it's better than all this.

Jobs I have Applied to

I've applied at:

UNT: 47 applications. Admin assistant, secretary, etc. All of these resumes were customized for each individual position, highlighting my experiences that were specifically mentioned in the job posting. Call-backs: 1.

TWU: 23 applications. Secretary, course evaluator, etc. Again, resume was customized. Call-backs: 0.

UT Arlington: 4 applications. Same as above, no call-backs.

Cragislist: Over 100 applications. The temp position I have now came of that. Otherwise, no call-backs.

Grocery stores: Kroger, Albertsons, Brookshires, The Cupboard. I did this yesterday so I haven't heard back yet.

Restaurants: Applebee's, Chili's. Will turn these apps in tomorrow.

My degree has clearly been a useful tool.

Cohabitiation Issues

Overall living together has gone relatively smoothly, but there are some things we need to work on. We're having a couple issues.

1. Sleeping patterns. G is still a student and so it doesn't matter if it's 11pm Sunday night. He doesn't have anything the next morning, so why not stay up? I, on the other hand, have to work. And the apartment is tiny so even if I go to bed, I can hear pretty much everything that goes on, and I'm a light enough sleeper as it is so this is a problem.

2. Money. I'm working and he's not. He's searching but it's not easy to find a job so we're having some issues with that. It's stressful.

3. Drinking and smoking. We all know that I'm a big fan of drinking (currently working on a bottle of wine right now), but I don't ALWAYS do it and he does. If he has some cash, it goes to beer. And cigarettes. And I'm starting to enjoy the cigarettes so I'm worried. Bars here have smoking indoors so we go out, drink cheap drinks, and chain-smoke.

4. Laundry. He doesn't do it. Men are strange.

5. Cleaning. Same as the laundry, although to be fair, he's been doing dishes while I'm at work and tidying up a bit so I can't complain toooo much.

6. Pace. This is the biggest problem. We have different paces. I say I'll do dishes and I get up and do them right away. He says he'll do dishes and it takes a few hours. You have no idea how frustrating this is. It affects EVERYTHING. It drives me crazy.

Signs of the apocalypse #52, A and B

A. I said "ya'll."

Co-worker: I'd like my husband and son to come up for lunch sometime and eat with me.
Me: Yeah, ya'll can go eat somewhere or just stay here.

B. Every time I go out, I chain-smoke. Quite a bit. Last night we went to a blues club and I was chain-smoking and chain-drinking the whole night. And I like it.

Working at the gun show, or--this really is a different country

G's parents run the oldest gun show in town and in the last show I helped by staying at their place and babysitting the dogs. This time they had me at the actual show. I sat by the exit with a table, stamp, and some postcards. My job was to stamp the hands of the people who wanted to come back in later that day. All thrilling and exciting.

It turns out, one of the men who's had a table at the show for years and years isn't too fond of Jews, and was overheard making fun of a German guy by pointing out his [people's] weakness: "Hitler didn't finish the job." He isn't aware that G and his family are Jewish. This same man keeps calling G Mohammad, and said to his mother that her son is "fixin' to be an A-rab." Not only that, but G's "lady friend looks like an A-rab" as well. And it was confirmed--I am an Arab and a Muslim (technically), and G's mom told him that. And he said (direct quote): "You know her bible tells her to cut his head off right?"

So G and I take a break at the gun show and walk over to his table, holding hands and being obnoxious. First thing he says--Hi Mohammad. Then he looks at me: Are you from Pakistan? (I thought I was an A-rab?) I say no, so he asks if I'm from Tajikistan. Then he asks where my burqa is. And then he asks G when he's going to convert. You know she's supposed to cut off your head right? On and on. He says that we should both be Christian. No thanks.

G was stationed at the front door of the gun show and throughout, we were texting each other. Towards the end of the first day, he lets me know that a couple walked in with matching his-and-hers swastika tattoos on their calves, with the guy wearing a cap that had a HUGE black swastika on the back and the Nazi eagle on the front. So they weave through the tables and are approaching me in the back. At this point, G comes over and stands with me, along with a family friend. We're just looking at them, watching them approach, and the woman turns to her boyfriend and whispers something and they keep walking. This happens a couple times and when they finally get to us she turns and says, "Do ya'll want a picture of my tattoo? Cuz you can have one if you want." And she stomps off.

The second day wasn't nearly as eventful. At the end of the first day the old man approached me and asked if I was from Africa, so I told him that if he wanted to talk about A-rabs he should know what they ARE first. And the next day he called G by his proper name and called me Fatima. And that was the extent of the excitement for Sunday.

I am not in CA anymore. Sheesh.

In other news, I still do not have a permanent job. I am constantly applying. There was an admin position open at a medical center here, and when I called to inquire the HR woman told me that she's had over 100 applicants. It's not looking good.

My mom emailed me and wanted me to be in touch. She sounded very sad. So I responded to her email. And? NOTHING. Not a single response from her. Frankly, it really upsets me. Why call and email if when I finally respond, nothing? What's the deal there?

It's August. I've been here for officially over a month. I have a shit job, a decent apartment, and a good roommate. And a dog (I am a cat person).

My biggest issue at this point is money and finding a permanent job. I've done a TON of searching but no luck so I don't know what to do. I'm applying to some local independent bookstores as well. I feel like that could be fun, and I wouldn't be sitting on my ass all day in front of a computer. At the same time, my pride kicks in and reminds me that I have a degree from a damn good school so I shouldn't be working bookstores. Either way, there really isn't room to be picky at this point. I have bills. Last weekend I helped G's parents at their gun show (hahaha) and made quite a bit for the weekend, and there's another next weekend, so it's alright. I'm living paycheck to paycheck and I need to learn how to control my spending. And anyway, if I do end up at a bookstore for less than I'm making now (minimum wage in this state is cringe-worthy), at least I'll have the comfort of knowing that something will come in every two weeks. This job ends in September and that makes me nervous.

I'm still avoiding my parents calls and voice mails--deleting them right away. I do feel guilty. I've planned four different emails in my head but I have to actually DO it.

I've made a friend. It's a PATHETIC sentence to say but tonight I went out for movies and drinks with someone from work. I absolutely could not afford it but I didn't want to pass up the opportunity. She also brought me all of her U2 albums--just about their entire collection, minus one or two albums. I am thrilled beyond belief.

What should I say? I still feel like this is surreal. An entire month has passed. It went by both quickly and slowly; so many things happen during the days but at the same time I feel like I'm not doing anything productive at all. I want to go back to school. I belong in school. This working fulltime thing is not for me.

Living together has been surprisingly easy. We have tiffs about doing dishes and where to leave the laundry. The apartment for some reason is falling apart though. Now the dryer isn't working. We put in a load yesterday and ran the machine, and the clothes were still wet. So, we did it again, and the clothes were still wet. We've called the management and hopefully they'll just replace both the washer and dryer. They mentioned doing that earlier when the washer flooded, so maybe this will be it.

Anyway. Job hunt--biggest worry at this point. Goddamn economy.