Guilt part II, and daddy issues (kinda)

My good friend guilt is back. Just popped half an anxiety pill and hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight.

My father has been on the other side of the world for the past two years and I didn't miss him. This sounds terrible but it is what it is. Growing up, my relationship with my father was one of fear and avoidance. He has had a hard life. He's built himself up from nothing here in the States and I don't think anyone else in his position would have done the same. I respect him. But I'm also afraid of him. And so, growing up, if I wanted something, I would go to my mother, who would then formulate her attack and approach him at the right time to ask him for what I wanted--permission to go to the movies, to go to a party, whatever. He would deliberate, give her his verdict, and she would report to me. Asking him directly was out of the question because I wavered and fell apart the second he started cross-examining me.

I feel guilty because I know that he has the best of intentions for me and all of us in general, he just doesn't know how to actually listen to anyone else. He doesn't know how to take other opinions. He thinks that there is only one way to do things--his way--and no one knows better.

He is oblivious. And this is going to hurt him the most. I've written him a separate email, in addition to the one I'm going to send my entire family, but he won't listen. That's the thing--I can talk all I want about how I need to do this for myself, but I know he's just going to scoff and get angry and belittle it. This is how it's always been. And that's another part of why I have to do this. But I still feel guilty. He came into my room today and sat next to me on my bed and made a little small talk, and the Hoover Dam inside my head that was holding back all the guilt broke and fell apart and was destroyed in the course of a two minute non-conversation with my father. He will be devastated. That's what I can't take. Anger, I can deal with. But the inevitable sadness that will surface when his anger subsides, I can't handle that. I'm going to avoid that.

I honestly hope this doesn't kill him. His health is already terrible, he has blood pressure and cholesterol issues, I hope this doesn't trigger something. Then we can really talk about guilt.

It's so interesting that I feel this way because he's the parent that I never talk to and always avoid. My mother and I used to have a really good relationship. But these days, she and I have nothing and my father at least deflects her nagging away from me, so I appreciate that. I don't feel guilty about her, I don't feel guilty about any of my siblings, I just worry for him. He's just an old man who's worked his ass off and doesn't really deserve this, but has set himself up for it.

There is one day left. This will be the longest plane ride of my life. I'm still excited. I'm still hopeful. I still fully believe that this is the right thing to do. I'm still terrified. And now we can add guilty to that list as well.

He constantly talks about how he needs me. To look after my siblings if something should happen (which I will do). To help with money (which I will do). To keep track of his legal documents and business overseas (which I will do). But he also has 4 other kids and another adult daughter in college who can also do that. I'm not the only one, and that's (slightly) comforting.

A part of me wants tomorrow to be a shitty family day so that I won't be so guilty, but I also would like to go with a positive last memory.