I am having a hard time dealing with my guilt.

At what point do I stop worrying about how my family feels and focus on myself instead? And most importantly, why is that wrong?

Why am I fighting this battle in the first place? I find myself getting angry as I realize that this wouldn't happen if, A) I could just be myself around my family and have them deal with it; or, B) I could just suck it up and be who they want me to be.

Despite my continual resistance against their archaic thoughts and attitudes about me, and women in general, I cannot shake off the guilt.

I've spent a great majority of my time after 9-11 defending stereotypes, defending Muslims and Arabs, and doing my best to explain away these stereotypes as stereotypes only. Unfortunately, as my own life progressed, as I got older and discovered myself and clashed with my parents--namely, my mother--on these points, the sad realization hit me: each stereotype I've tried to explain away was happening to me.

Repressed woman: check. The first time I ever went to the movies with a group of friends, I was in the 10th grade. It took two days of convincing my dad before hand. He was worried about my "virtue".

Obsession with women's sexuality and virginity: check. Any time I ever did go out, the one thing I was told was to "take care of myself". This is Arab-dad-code for "don't have sex". When my mother found out/suspected that I was having sex, I had to deny deny deny, and to prove myself, she scheduled me a physical with the gynecologist. She wanted to sit in on the exam and have the doctor specifically tell her that my hymen was still in tact. Luckily, this entire ordeal was ultimately avoided. However, now when she gets mad at me, the name calling begins, and I am most often labeled a whore.

Over-bearing man-of-the-house complex: check. My father, in an argument once, referred to himself as god. That was it for me.

Timid woman-in-her-place expectation: check. Recently, about a month ago, my father needed some information from us, and requested it via email. Being in the middle of exams, my sister and I put it off for about a week. I apologized for my lateness and gave him the information; my sister, on the other hand, apparently asked him what the information was for. His answer? An email, with choice words capitalized, bolded, and in red (NEVER, DO NOT, etc) forwarded to all of us, highlighting his importance and chastizing her for daring to ask a question. God forbid.

I could go on.

Why am I feeling guilty again?