The First Step

On a whim today I bought my one-way plane ticket.

I have been thinking about this for 3 years. And for longer than that, I've been repeatedly told that I have limits on the things I can do because of my gender. It sounds cliche and old-fashioned, but when it came time to apply to college, my family and I didn't discuss schools based on price or major, but proximity to home and whether or not I could commute back and forth.

My father once sat me down and said, "This is my plan for you." He then proceeded to outline what I was expected to major in, what career I would be able to obtain from that, and what kind of man I should marry soon thereafter. It was simple, and best of all, I didn't actually have to do any kind of independent thinking or make any independent choice for myself.

I realize that doing this will have a huge impact on my family. My mother will bear the brunt of the reaction, especially from my father, and I worry about that. Days like this, relatively conflict-free days, I feel guilty. But most of the days are not conflict free, most days are stressful and upsetting, and I've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be feeling the most stress at home. I should be able to come home and relax. But--impact on my mother. My father will blame her, of course. He won't see this coming. He thinks he's doing me favors each time he tells me what to do. He thinks he's sparing me the trouble of making a decision.

I'm worried about how this will impact my younger sisters. Will they be tougher on them to prevent something like this in the future?

I was raised in a culture of no--I was told the things I could not do, not what I could and should do. No, I could not go out, it's not proper for a girl, and what will people say? No, "our girls" do not move out for college or for a job, they go from their father's house to their husband's. Girls do not SPEAK that way, it's improper. Girls don't sit that way, they don't walk laugh act eat play that way. For no reason other than being a girl. This is not a good enough reason for me.