Countdown: 4 days

The biggest debate that has come to surface when I tell people about this is the issue of loyalty: do I place loyalty to the group (family) first, or do I go with my own individualistic gut instincts?

Generally speaking, it can be fairly easy to predict who will say what: my American friends immediately support me and express the fact that it's most important to be true to myself--the most important thing is my own happiness and my own hopes and dreams. The few Arabs that I have trusted with this situation provide a more interesting opinion. While they do realize that it is incredibly difficult to balance Arab and American, the loyalty always falls back on the group and the family.

In my opinion, this loyalty has to be a two-way street. I wouldn't mind making sacrifices if I felt as though I were getting something in return. Essentially I feel as though my parents buy my complicity. I am not lacking in anything material, and I realize that this is a huge blessing and privilege that not everyone has. However, I have these things in place of a respected position in the family as the eldest child--my opinions don't matter. Discussions with my father about things we disagree about don't happen.

A few days ago, while sitting with my father and sister, a topic came up regarding a man that my father holds in high esteem. My sister, on the other hand, dislikes him, and I never knew why until that evening: this man has two wives just to have two wives. I made a comment in passing about how I disagree with that and immediately was attacked by my father for that. He assumed that I was okay with extra-marital affairs here in America: "So you're okay with all the bullshit they do here in America?" No, I am not, but to continue that conversation was to open up a can of worms that would threaten him, all because I was expressing an opinion that he does not agree with.

My best friend's father is a Republican, and she and I are Democrats. We spent Monday morning talking about issues and disagreeing, but speaking like adults--calm, level-headed, letting each other speak without interruptions or name-calling. This doesn't happen in my house. Disagreement--on any issue--is automatically taken as disrespect, as stepping out the pre-existing familial hierarchy.

I am supposed to put the group and family first, and yet I can't even explain why I don't agree with a man having two wives?

This has happened before regarding religion as well. Keep in mind that my family is fairly secular and educated. Both of my parents have college degrees, and in fact my mom is currently the only one working and making money for the family. The second I made my opinion clear about my views on religion (religions in general, not any one specific faith), my father became incensed, grabbed me by the upper arm, and "explained" to me why I was wrong and why his views were correct without any ounce of doubt. And that was the end of our conversation.

I am expected to put aside my thoughts, opinions, and happiness for the family? How is that a fair exchange? Should I just accept what they want me to think because I have a laptop and room to myself? I'd much rather not have any of my material possessions and be respected as a human being instead. That's certainly worth more to me than any of my material things.

I feel as though my position in the family has degenerated to nothing more than the occasional driver and back-up plan. My parents assume that if something happens to them, I will step in and help keep things together. And this is true, I will gladly volunteer to help my family with anything they need, but until they need something for me, I am treated the same way as when I was 15. My life currently is no different from when I was in high school. I live in the same house, drive the same car, am told when to come home and when to go out, and am constantly bothered with questions regarding my every move. So I am an adult when they deem it necessary, and a child the rest of the time.